Nerve....

Nerve is a funny thing. You think you've got so much of it. You think you've changed...& finally vanquished that mousey little girl within. You think--I've done what I thought was impossible. I broke free. I am...strong & untouchable....& most importantly....

I. Am. Free.

A Free Spirit.

So what am I waiting for? What holds me back now?

Why does that timid little mouse still show up....from time to time?

I don't wish to be her anymore.

I'm very....thoughtful...& frustrated...with myself today. The reason is inconsequential....just some random soul who crossed my path....who may or may not cross it again. Someone with a mischevious smile & piercing green eyes. Someone...who may have been cool to get to know.

But I can't talk.

What? you say? But you talk all the time--ramble on & on into the night--to everyone & no one. Releasing words into the Ether....

Alas...I am much more comfortable with written words than spoken ones...the gift & curse of any Writer. I am also much more comfortable hiding behind the safety of my computer screen....than looking into someone elses eyes....

Unless I already know them.

If I choose to let you in....I'll let you in completely. However, there's alot of walls to scale.

So for all my hard talk...I'm a coward too. I don't wear a mask....but I do.

I hide in here. Just another Voice....from nowhere.

So now you know my secret.

I'm trying to be daring....I try to dare myself. "You are who you pretend to be..." The late, great Kurt Vonnegut wrote. "...So choose carefully who you pretend to be..."

At the urging of my companions...I did muster up the courage to at least speak to "Green Eyed Boy"....if you're wondering. No, I did not get his phone number. But I saw his tattoos...& he gave me a light....

I don't know what it is about that?....The act of giving another person "a light"....that captivates me. For only a moment. A flicker in the darkness. A guarding pair of hands. The flame dancing in the breeze. The burning ember ...glowing at the end of a cigarrette. That long inhale....

A shared...breathe. A moment.

There's something about that ...imagery I suppose....that just..."gets" me.

Maybe...it's a light in the dark....guiding the Lonely. Lighting the way of the Lost...

Is there...someone out there for everyone? I don't know if I believe that or not anymore. I believed it once. My heart didn't get shattered...into too many pieces....

Yeah, I don't believe Me either.

If we cross paths...will I know it? Will the Cat relinquish his death grip on my tongue then?....

Im mean....does Destiny even exist?

Will I regain control of My Voice?...

Will anyone even hear Me?....

Not in the empty echoes of a snowstorm they won't....