In Between Day....

I'm listening to "In Between Days" by The Cure. I adore this song. & it really is that kinda day. An "in between" day.

I'm not quite sure where my mind is at today. I'm not quite sure...about alot of things today....what I want to do....who I want to talk to....if I even want to go out?....Maybe I'll just stay inside, remain a Hermit....wandering through the vast landscapes of my own mind.

And it is ...vast. There's all sorts of weirdness in my head today. I just retreated inside my headphones, as my Mother has the television on....& the prattle between Dr. Phil & some wretched teenage heroin addict is enough to grate on my nerves & make my blood boil....

Upon realizing that I 'd retreated mostly due to her choice in television programming, Mom changed the channel. To something in which the Native Americans are being converted by White Christian settlers. When I felt a rant about how the Christians forcibly converted the various different pagans throughout history coming over me....I returned to the saftey of my headphones & the music.

It's a "New Year". Jan 2nd 2012. I haven't even left my house yet. Faced the "new year". New beginnings. It's such bullshit. It's just a new fucking calendar. & everyone knows it...they're just too afraid to admit it.

Because what if nothing changes? What if there's nothing in store for you? What if everything gets worse? & the world comes crashing down around your ears? Or, what if it stays unbearably the same? Repetitive? Then what?

Well...I've never understood all the hype...because nothing ever changes...unless you change it yourself.

The noise in my head is much too loud lately....that's why I've been tuned in to the Hermit Station--all hermits. All the time. Ha!

On New Years Eve...I was with some of the people I love most in this world. & still, I was walking the line. I felt so alone...in that room full of people. & you know when that feeling let up? When I was alone....outside, listening to a roaring fire & the whistling wind. & the Trees, shaking their remaining leaves & branches overhead. Death Rattle. A Whisper. A friend came out to join me for a while; he brought the whiskey too. "To kindred spirits" he said. We drank it down... & poured another, & comfortably...& quietly...enjoyed the fire. Then my head quieted....& I enjoyed the night. The ashes from the calendar that had literally been burned moments beforehand danced on the wind, & tangled in my hair....

All that is left...is ashes....

I've been quietly contemplative & reflective the past few days. I've been reading alot. Wandering.

Had a strange conversation with my kid brother today...in which we discussed random acts of kindness, Lady Luck....& Karma....

Perhaps I'm rubbing off on him?....

This morning--I read this graphic novel--"Ultra: Seven Days" by the Luna Bros. A close friend gave it to me to read not long ago...& it's been calling to me to pick it up in the last few days. So I did. Intending to read an issue or two, & then shower....I picked it up. & read the entire book in one sitting. I couldn't put it down.

This book...both fucked with my mind...& opened it.

It's the tale of Ultra...this superhero girl....who has her fortune read with her girlfriends, & is told she's going to find true love in 7 days. & the story follows her. & she's...jaded, after a bad breakup 5 years ago. She's still finding herself.

After 5 years. I know someone else...still finding himself...after 10 years. The idea of that...scares me. Terribly.....

I can't ...still be wandering through the fog, nursing a broken heart, 10 years after the fact.

I Cannot....

At one point Ultra allows herself to trust someone new...& gets burned. Very badly. Her best friend falls in love with her, & she doesn't share the feelings...but their relationship survives. Evolves. & she says something to the effect of--that she just doesn't care anymore. If she's meant to find someone...they'll find each other. & if there isn't someone for her....then they won't. So there's just no point in trying so hard....because it's just doesnt matter anymore.

It's quite simple really.

I share her sentiments....Very Strongly.

When my friend put this book in my hand the other day, I thought he was giving me another cheesey love story...trying to alter my perspective.

Well, he did alter my perspective. He does quite often...& not usually in the way I expect.

I guess I was supposed to read this book...today.

Click.

It's strange....because I feel like, I 've been standing at this Cross Roads for a while...& tonight I noticed a new road.....some long disused path, freshly covered in white dusty snow.

"Have Faith..." He says to me, from time to time. Funny, I said the same thing to my brother today.

Maybe I am... walking that unused, un-noticed snowy path....slowly. I See more every day....the white jigsaw pieces fit randomly together, but I can't see the picture. Still.

Yet.

What's that there in the foggy distance?...It looks like a big gnarly old Tree. Reaching. Perhaps I'll go and have a sit....