Ride On....

Recently, I took a road trip to Michigan on a whim with a friend who wanted nothing more than a little company. The previous Sunday, I had witnessed a very bad car accident, that altered my perspective a bit. Had I not stopped for gas that day, I may not be here writing this now. But I had seen it, so when given the opportunity to tag along...I decided what the hell? I'll take a 10 hour ride to a place I've never been, just for the opportunity to get to know someone better. It's either going to be a really long car ride....or a really amazing day.

It was the latter.....I've never had such an incredible day, where most of it was spent in a car. In constant company of another person. Ever.

My friend's family lives in Michigan, & his Uncle's band was playing a benefit show; it was to benefit the Detroit School of Rock & Pop Music. My friend's Uncle had started attending the school after being diagnosed with cancer; he'd always wanted to play music...so he learned. He learned to play the guitar...& thus, the Bucket List Band was formed. Hence, the Bucket List Show...which was nothing short of inspiring....

It was an unusualy warm day for February. I wish it had been autumn....as the Trees lining the highway were truly majestic. I can only imagine them...painted orange & yellow. Such a beautiful photograph in my mind's eye. I'll go back someday....

I felt like I'd stepped into the script of a Kevin Smith movie or something--girl & guy take a road trip & have all sorts of interesting conversations about increasingly strange & bizarre things...& end up becoming great friends. Or fall in love by the end of the film...

We listened to lots of great music; it was disconcerting at first, when he first exclaimed "Your turn!" My ex never let me pick the music in my own car...not unless I was alone! So we switched back & forth, showing each other different music...Imelda May, Okkerville River, Primus, So Many Dynamos, Shearwater, Weezer, Tom Waits....

Tom Waits....both being HUGE fans of his music....we sang the entire Rain Dogs album from beginning to end...It's great to have someone turn the songs I love up, rather than down. & to have someone to sing with...I'd forgotten how much that matters.

We played each other favorite songs....favorite love songs, favorite road songs, favorite rainy day songs....We discussed books...literature, & poetry...science fiction, music...family...life in general. We spoke of how we came to be who we are now...& neuroses, quirks...pasts...& masks....& ...

...We spoke of the things...you don't tell people.

We accepted each other. Perhaps we accepted ourselves too. At least for a bit.

It felt good to open up.

Strange or not...I think it's one of the best days I've had in my entire little life. This was the day I took a 10 hour drive...merely because I wanted to talk to someone. & I found a great friend because of it....my travelling companion & I were pretty new to each other, & now...I don't think either of us will have that...shy awkwardness about us anymore. The walls came crashing down....

I'm glad I went; it was out of my comfort zone to do so. I didn't overthink it--no small feat for this Fool--I just went on a whim.

I want to follow those whims more....Roll the dice....

While we were driving, I mentioned that I've this fantasy....that gets pretty hard to resist at times, in which I pack my knapsack & just start walking....walk across the country, & write the entire way...following in the footsteps of Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson...My friend smiled knowingly at me.

Shhhh.....he said. Listen.

The song playing on the stereo was "Leavin' by Shearwater....

Yeah....It was that kinda day.

For one day...I completely lived in the moment. & for one moment...I was completely free....

Musings...

I can't sleep. Again. I've been listening to a pretty melodic thunderstorm for the past 2 hours...& playing Scrabble....

It's been a very eventful weekend in some ways, but mostly it's just been...Quiet. I've very much been enjoying the pleasure of my own company, & the companionship of my dog.

Recently, I've re-read one of my very favorite fantasy series--The Farseer Trilogy, by Robin Hobb. I adore these books....I revere them. I tore through them, & then promptly moved onto to re-read the Liveship Traders Trilogy....the next threesome of novels that make up the Elderling Saga, as there are presently 11 (?) novels that interlace/share worlds ....& I am reading them all in sequence. This is the first time I'll have done that...I've always wanted to...

Somewhat for enjoyment...& somewhat as part of a ...bizarre spiritual Quest.

The books are leading me somewhere.

But that's for another time.

There's a sadness, a lingering memory that I just can't seem to vanquish--that I find clinging to my enjoyment of the Liveship books. I want to finish them, & move onto the next trilogy...though I love the story contained within them as much, well, almost as much...as the others. The first time I read them--I was completely enthralled. I tore through the first two paperbacks in record time, & then, being too impatient to wait for the final book to come out in paperback to find out what happened to my imaginary friends...I bought the hardcover.

& got in a horrible fight with my significant other about it.

I am no longer with him. I do not regret that. However, for reasons I still do not entirely understand...memories like this one, sadden me greatly. Perhaps because I do not understand how someone who swore to "love" me could have been so cruel to me...for spending my own hard earned money on a book I loved & so terribly wanted to read....simply because it cost $10 more?

It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

Actually...that was the "significant" part of my reclusive & lazy weekend. There was but one tie left...to the person I once believed I would love "forever".

One insignificant piece of paper...a title of ownership....

I signed it....thus setting myself Free.

My life belongs only to Me....

Perhaps there's just too much to think about tonight...too many gears cranking & swiveling about inside my brain....but I do believe the storm has stopped....

D0wnW0rds~

-Words cut like razor blades. Dragged across the flesh.

-Wordsmith. Knowing. Wielding flashing jagged words.

-Bladed. Embedded in the skin.

-Bleeding out my sins. For all the world to see…..



-Thick Scarred Tissue. Surrounding a Gentle Heart.

-Encased. Armored. Guarded. Fortified.

-Won't keep me warm at night.

-Stops the Bleeding though….



-Words carry weight. Pressing on the chest.

-Gnawing holes inside my brain….Penetrating.

-Piercing.

-My Heart is Perforated.



-Do such things ever mend?

-Tattered Trust….flapping in the breeze. Clothesline.

-Stained. Streaking.

-Trickling down. Tear it down.



-Tear Me Down?

-Swallow Me Down….

-Stand Down.

-Stare Down.



D0WN…..



D0WN…..



D0WN…..





-Burn it Down. To the Ground.

-No Weakness. No Restraint.

-Scars glimpsed through Rising Flames.

-Forget My Eyes.... Feint.



-Flickering Effigy. See the Real Me.

-Uninhibited. Untamed. Unleashed.

-Wicked Poet. Morningstar.

-Dare you not to look away?…..



-Now what have you got to say?

-Still want to hurt me? Still want to watch me bleed?

-Still think me weak?

-Underestimate Me.



--I Dare You……

Nerve....

Nerve is a funny thing. You think you've got so much of it. You think you've changed...& finally vanquished that mousey little girl within. You think--I've done what I thought was impossible. I broke free. I am...strong & untouchable....& most importantly....

I. Am. Free.

A Free Spirit.

So what am I waiting for? What holds me back now?

Why does that timid little mouse still show up....from time to time?

I don't wish to be her anymore.

I'm very....thoughtful...& frustrated...with myself today. The reason is inconsequential....just some random soul who crossed my path....who may or may not cross it again. Someone with a mischevious smile & piercing green eyes. Someone...who may have been cool to get to know.

But I can't talk.

What? you say? But you talk all the time--ramble on & on into the night--to everyone & no one. Releasing words into the Ether....

Alas...I am much more comfortable with written words than spoken ones...the gift & curse of any Writer. I am also much more comfortable hiding behind the safety of my computer screen....than looking into someone elses eyes....

Unless I already know them.

If I choose to let you in....I'll let you in completely. However, there's alot of walls to scale.

So for all my hard talk...I'm a coward too. I don't wear a mask....but I do.

I hide in here. Just another Voice....from nowhere.

So now you know my secret.

I'm trying to be daring....I try to dare myself. "You are who you pretend to be..." The late, great Kurt Vonnegut wrote. "...So choose carefully who you pretend to be..."

At the urging of my companions...I did muster up the courage to at least speak to "Green Eyed Boy"....if you're wondering. No, I did not get his phone number. But I saw his tattoos...& he gave me a light....

I don't know what it is about that?....The act of giving another person "a light"....that captivates me. For only a moment. A flicker in the darkness. A guarding pair of hands. The flame dancing in the breeze. The burning ember ...glowing at the end of a cigarrette. That long inhale....

A shared...breathe. A moment.

There's something about that ...imagery I suppose....that just..."gets" me.

Maybe...it's a light in the dark....guiding the Lonely. Lighting the way of the Lost...

Is there...someone out there for everyone? I don't know if I believe that or not anymore. I believed it once. My heart didn't get shattered...into too many pieces....

Yeah, I don't believe Me either.

If we cross paths...will I know it? Will the Cat relinquish his death grip on my tongue then?....

Im mean....does Destiny even exist?

Will I regain control of My Voice?...

Will anyone even hear Me?....

Not in the empty echoes of a snowstorm they won't....

Art or Magick?

I've been feeling very much the Hermit lately. It comes & goes; I get this way...from time to time.

Perhaps I'm just hibernating? It's probably a good theory.

I was very restless yesterday...& I'd been reading this book that a friend gave me--"Embracing the Moon". The book suggests using collages in spellcasting, & being a practioner of Chaos Magick...in which you use whatever works for you....belief being the key....I found myself intrigued.

& compelled to try my hands at it.

So I went to Walmart & wandered the store for a bit...watching people, allowing my mind to wander, & I purchased some art supplies & a few random magazines. 5 or 6 magazines --of varying genre (a National Geographic, TIME, a hunting magazine, a guitar mag, & a fashion/girly mag)...& a calendar featuring Wolves.

I had a specific intention in mind when I set my hands to it. In the creation it morphed...mutated... & became something else entirely. But I guess that's the point...in art or magick...

Art & Magick. Art is Magick. Magick is Art...

...if the rhythm is there....it will create itself. & the two are interchangeable. At least they've always been in my case. Much of my art is laced with magick...& vice versa....

I put on some Mazzy Starr...one of my very favorite albums...probably of all time--"So Tonight That We May See"....lit some incense...& just...tranced.

Then I went through the magazines...& started cutting things apart...& the very act quieted my Spirit & my Mind. I was amazed by the imagery I found in magazines purchased at the local Walmart. Proof to me...that I am on the right path.

I was exactly where I was supposed to be....

I put it all together...drawing runes on certain cutouts with magick marker....

Creating. Zen.

I ended up with an image...that I find...mesmerizing. I just keep staring at it...& getting lost within.

Is there more to it? Yes, I suppose there is....

But only Time divulges such secrets.

I always feel more...alive, after such activities. & much more contemplative. I was waxing poetic on Fate & Choice & Human Will today... pondering purpose....Overthinking ...as I am wont to do. Especially on a Monday.

I was told "Do not define yourself by your profession. You are Missi, Non Native American Shaman in training....."

This made me smile.....Thanks Friend....

Ideas in Text....

I write to no one. I ramble to myself...& publish it here on the interwebs.....send the words out into the Ether...just so they exist.

Just to get a taste for it again. That was the purpose of starting this blog...to get the taste of words in my mouth again. Like an animal catching the scent of blood on the air....once you catch it, you can't let it go.

You chase it. Put your nose to the ground & follow it. Wherever it may lead you....

My Insomnia has been in full swing....& I'd completely stopped writing....stopped painting....stopped dreaming....save for the nightmares. I wasn't even having ideas anymore.

At the moment....I am overflowing with ideas. & words.

I've been writing....anywhere & everywhere lately. Here, on this blog. As well as in few journals I've been keeping, each serving a different purpose....one asks specific questions I've been trying to answer each day....a different question for every day of the year. Once you finish, you start over, & can compare answers & see how you've grown....

Where the paths have led. Or are leading.

Everything happens for a reason. In due time. A time & place for everything...

& apparently...even text messaging can be put to good use.

My friend & I were goofing around yesterday, razzing one another & killing time....& somehow, we ended up in a ...war of sorts. A duel of wits & words...in which he was the Overlord & I was the Catalyst....going back & forth....

....for hours....

When I saw him last night, he suggested we write them down. Maybe they could become something?....

I looked at all the text messages saved in my phone today, & realized they tell a story. I've been encouraging him to write with me for some time now....& I think we just began a story....in our phones?....

& we were merely having fun. Makes me wonder what we could accomplish should we actually focus...& join forces?....

I read way too many fantasy novels...& have never spent much time in the Real World...& he plays way too much D & D....so together, I'm pretty confident we could turn the Real World upside down....

In Between Day....

I'm listening to "In Between Days" by The Cure. I adore this song. & it really is that kinda day. An "in between" day.

I'm not quite sure where my mind is at today. I'm not quite sure...about alot of things today....what I want to do....who I want to talk to....if I even want to go out?....Maybe I'll just stay inside, remain a Hermit....wandering through the vast landscapes of my own mind.

And it is ...vast. There's all sorts of weirdness in my head today. I just retreated inside my headphones, as my Mother has the television on....& the prattle between Dr. Phil & some wretched teenage heroin addict is enough to grate on my nerves & make my blood boil....

Upon realizing that I 'd retreated mostly due to her choice in television programming, Mom changed the channel. To something in which the Native Americans are being converted by White Christian settlers. When I felt a rant about how the Christians forcibly converted the various different pagans throughout history coming over me....I returned to the saftey of my headphones & the music.

It's a "New Year". Jan 2nd 2012. I haven't even left my house yet. Faced the "new year". New beginnings. It's such bullshit. It's just a new fucking calendar. & everyone knows it...they're just too afraid to admit it.

Because what if nothing changes? What if there's nothing in store for you? What if everything gets worse? & the world comes crashing down around your ears? Or, what if it stays unbearably the same? Repetitive? Then what?

Well...I've never understood all the hype...because nothing ever changes...unless you change it yourself.

The noise in my head is much too loud lately....that's why I've been tuned in to the Hermit Station--all hermits. All the time. Ha!

On New Years Eve...I was with some of the people I love most in this world. & still, I was walking the line. I felt so alone...in that room full of people. & you know when that feeling let up? When I was alone....outside, listening to a roaring fire & the whistling wind. & the Trees, shaking their remaining leaves & branches overhead. Death Rattle. A Whisper. A friend came out to join me for a while; he brought the whiskey too. "To kindred spirits" he said. We drank it down... & poured another, & comfortably...& quietly...enjoyed the fire. Then my head quieted....& I enjoyed the night. The ashes from the calendar that had literally been burned moments beforehand danced on the wind, & tangled in my hair....

All that is left...is ashes....

I've been quietly contemplative & reflective the past few days. I've been reading alot. Wandering.

Had a strange conversation with my kid brother today...in which we discussed random acts of kindness, Lady Luck....& Karma....

Perhaps I'm rubbing off on him?....

This morning--I read this graphic novel--"Ultra: Seven Days" by the Luna Bros. A close friend gave it to me to read not long ago...& it's been calling to me to pick it up in the last few days. So I did. Intending to read an issue or two, & then shower....I picked it up. & read the entire book in one sitting. I couldn't put it down.

This book...both fucked with my mind...& opened it.

It's the tale of Ultra...this superhero girl....who has her fortune read with her girlfriends, & is told she's going to find true love in 7 days. & the story follows her. & she's...jaded, after a bad breakup 5 years ago. She's still finding herself.

After 5 years. I know someone else...still finding himself...after 10 years. The idea of that...scares me. Terribly.....

I can't ...still be wandering through the fog, nursing a broken heart, 10 years after the fact.

I Cannot....

At one point Ultra allows herself to trust someone new...& gets burned. Very badly. Her best friend falls in love with her, & she doesn't share the feelings...but their relationship survives. Evolves. & she says something to the effect of--that she just doesn't care anymore. If she's meant to find someone...they'll find each other. & if there isn't someone for her....then they won't. So there's just no point in trying so hard....because it's just doesnt matter anymore.

It's quite simple really.

I share her sentiments....Very Strongly.

When my friend put this book in my hand the other day, I thought he was giving me another cheesey love story...trying to alter my perspective.

Well, he did alter my perspective. He does quite often...& not usually in the way I expect.

I guess I was supposed to read this book...today.

Click.

It's strange....because I feel like, I 've been standing at this Cross Roads for a while...& tonight I noticed a new road.....some long disused path, freshly covered in white dusty snow.

"Have Faith..." He says to me, from time to time. Funny, I said the same thing to my brother today.

Maybe I am... walking that unused, un-noticed snowy path....slowly. I See more every day....the white jigsaw pieces fit randomly together, but I can't see the picture. Still.

Yet.

What's that there in the foggy distance?...It looks like a big gnarly old Tree. Reaching. Perhaps I'll go and have a sit....